5 Sexual Surgeries You Won’t Believe are Real

5 Sexual Surgeries You Won't Believe are Real

You like your junk, right?  Seems like a given, really. What’s not to like?  Your friend is there when you need it, getting the job done and making your world a better place.  Except maybe it isn’t.  Turns out a good number of people are so unhappy with the situation in their Southern hemisphere they’re going to some pretty drastic measures to get their bits and bobs all in order.

1. Wiener Whitening

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This is absolutely one of things that people describe by saying you either get it or you don’t, and for those who don’t we need to try to put ourselves in the headspace of someone who feels like they have a case of the scuzzy dong.  Penis whitening is absolutely a thing and it’s just what it sounds like.  While you can use strips or a trip to the dentist to whiten your teeth, you can also schedule a visit to a clinic in Thailand and have them laser your penis a new shade of pale.

Not a lot of patients for the treatment have come forward, but the limited info available suggests this isn’t too much different than everyone’s favorite below-the-belt cosmetic procedure – butthole bleaching.  You suffer blotchiness or discoloration and want it evened out and lightened up so you look better in family photos.  Unlike the chemical bleaching of your butt, however, the laser process for your junk can cause scarring, irritation and inflammation and possibly even reproductive damage. There’s also the fact that it isn’t permanent and as your skin heals and grows you’ll go back to your normal dank dong, so this is either a special occasion thing or something you need to commit to over the long haul.

So what’s a trip to bleach your screech going to set you back?  Five sessions cost $650 and the mental toll of letting someone shoot you in the groin with a laser.  And ladies, before you start feeling left out, know that the same clinic offers labia whitening too so everyone can have an equally burnt, pale undercarriage.

 

2. Butthole Botox

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There are only so many things that can be done to a human butthole, and few if any are things you tend to talk about openly.  And that’s not just for your sake, as embarrassed as you may be to discuss the back door.  Turns out most people don’t want to hear about it either.  Again, we must stress that this is solely meant “publicly.”  Secretly, the butthole is pretty popular, and people are going to some great lengths to keep it looking its best.

Some years ago, the butthole cause célèbre was bleaching.  You couldn’t scroll through three websites without stumbling on a butthole bleaching joke.  But that’s your grandfather’s ass procedure and these days people are taking cosmetic assery to a whole new hole.  Well, no, it’s the same hole, but it’s much more intense.  You can get the ol’ balloon knot retightened and prettified with some botox if that’s your thing, or you can have it dilated too if you somehow have the opposite problem, with prices ranging from $5000 to $25,000, depending on the severity of the issues.  If your butt is jacked to the tune of $25,000 though, you might want to just write it off and buy a new one.

Despite the awkwardness of the subject matter for some people, the clear upside is that you’re cleaning up the backyard, which is something there’s definitely a market for.  People who have had hemorrhoids or any other serious issues could very well feel a degree of self consciousness over how everything is looking back there.  And if there are an abundance of procedures to help make the front door look welcoming, why not the back?  Plus this is also a performance issue.  Fact is, around 40% of people have had anal sex at some point, so no one wants to be on the field with inferior gear.  You want that thing tip top if you’re making use of it, that’s just good sense.

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